So I went on with my life, and threw myself into starting my business. I had had enough of putting things on hold - just in case! I did a gut healing program through my doctor. (Did you know that you can get your gut health tested? Me neither!)
3 months on and my period didn’t arrive, and by now neither of us thought anything of it.
I was cleaning the bathroom and remembered I had 2x pregnancy tests, and now I thought about it my boobs were so sore! Surely it couldn’t be could it?
I pee’d on a stick to get a positive result. Unbelievable. I pee’d on another stick and got another positive, just as it turned positive my husband walked through the door. I showed him the sticks, and we danced around.
I could tell he was worried – I looked online and the chances of having 2x miscarriages was 2% - what were the chances! I said let's just be happy and celebrate!
I went to the doctors and got a blood test which confirmed I was 3.5 weeks pregnant.
I booked in to see my usual doctor, and as soon as she saw my face she knew I was pregnant. We were both over the moon! She referred me to the hospital, and booked me in for a dating scan, a 10 week scan and some blood tests I was ecstatic!
For the next few weeks every time I woke up in the morning I would remember I was pregnant, and it instantly slapped a smile on my face.
The weeks went past with worry, but I kept consoling myself with the fact that less then 2% of women had 2x miscarriages in a row.
Every time I went to the bathroom, I expected to see blood. Until one day there was a heavy reddish discharge. I went to the doctors who immediately sent me for a scan which was inclusive but told me I was 6 weeks pregnant, but something just didn’t feel right.
I went for a blood test to test my pregnancy hormone which was high, and where expected. I was told to return in 2 days for another one.
The day before I was going for the second one, I was training a client, when I felt a dampness in my underwear. I ran to the bathroom, to find bright red blood. I cancelled my clients and left in tears calling my husband who met me at the doctors surgery.
I had another blood test which confirmed my pregnancy hormone had fallen. I had lost the baby again.
Over the next few days I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. My body naturally started to expel the remains, and this time was more horrific then the first. There was huge large clots, and I was vomiting from the pain I was in. But there wasn’t anything anyone could do, I had to let my body do this process.
I spent a week in bed, and spent most of it staring at a tree.
This was a year ago. My first miscarriage was on the 29nd July 2015, and my second miscarriage was on the 14th November 2015.
Those dates will stick with me for a long time, if not forever.
Since then I am currently working with my doctor and also a reproductive specialist to try and get pregnant again, and carry it successful. All my tests and genetic testing have shown there’s no reason why I would miscarry. I was told I’ve been unlucky. You can say that again.
There’s a deep pain in my stomach that I carry around with me on a daily basis. The fertility medication I have been taking for the past few months makes me depressed, robs me of my sleep and makes me wonder why I am putting myself through this. And of course my husband.
Friends cautiously tell me there pregnant, and whilst I’m happy for them, there’s a deep gut wrenching almost primal scream in my stomach. Because life isn’t always fair. Throughout
Throughout it I tell myself that my time will come, and until then I do everything that I can to hold my head high and enjoy the gift of having time, time to myself, time to grow my business, and time to be surrounded my amazingly supportive people.
Because there’s always something to be grateful for, isn’t there?
Since writing this post we have welcomed a new addition to our family - who has prime position at the top of this post! We have wanted a dog for so long, and eventually after my husband continued to send me puppy photos I broke.
We joyously got a call saying Harley was ready to take home a week early as she was developing so well. I truly believe this was divine timing as we got her 5 days before we start my third and final Clomid round.
She has already wedged herself into my heart and for the first time in a year, I feel like my heart has opened again, and she's already brought so much laughter and love into her home, I only wish I had found her earlier.
P.S I'm taking a blogging break until January, but will be sharing workouts, and loads of wellness and fitness tips over on my facebook page to help keep you on track over the festive season - make your you like Beachfit over there. See in in 2017 x